Category: Bartender’s Tales


In September of 2001, many things in my life were new: I was the new Nights (7 p.m. – midnight) man entertaining on a little AM radio station in Nashville, Tennessee. I’d do my show and then off I’d go to check out some local DJs in my new Music City. Mostly, I checked out Liquid Lounge (before it became “Elements”) till about 3 A.M., looking for new club DJ opportunities and then go a short distance from my new downtown, back to my new little two bedroom cottage.

This was still the pre-cell phone era and I only had a land line and cassette tape- based answering machine which I based in my other room, across the hall in my studio room from my bedroom and had an incredibly long cord, which allowed me to be on the “princess” phone all over the house and even out on my little front stoop. I didn’t have my first home computer yet and there were still pay phones everywhere!

So I’d sleep from like 4 a.m. until maybe noon, unless I had some special morning interaction to attend or a gig; such is the life of the second and third shift radio man and many other alternative hour workers.

Then the phone rang around 10 or 11 a.m. I guess, and I heard the machine come on in the other room, and maybe my friend, Monique’s voice say something as I slept – and ignored it. Soon, the phone rang another time and I recognized her voice again! At this point I picked it up and my friend Monique says, “Turn on the TV!” I’m like, “No, I’m sleeping…” or something to that effect. She insisted and then I fumbled around and found the remote to turn it on. What I saw I thought was a movie, in the purple haze of awakening. “Why you want me to watch this movie, Mo?” I must have asked. She said something like, “No! A plane hit the World Trade Center!!” I began to sit up in my bed and just about then, the second plane hit the other tower. Shock. At that moment, I knew that this was no movie.

As I watched the coverage that fateful afternoon, I’d almost forgotten that I had a “show” to do that evening – and the more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want to perform it. – I was bummed to the max! Calling my Mum in on Long Island, I asked could she smell the smoke and she said “Yes.” So I called my Program Director to ask him out of my show that night, but instead of empathy for my feelings, he replied, in, what I’ve learned is typical southern black American ignorance, “Aww man, its just a plane hit a building. G’wan in and do your show!” At that point, my respect for him, being in his position only because he was the station owner’s son, went from like and “eight” to a “one” on a scale of one to ten. How dare he condescend, knowing that my roots are at the base of the World Trad Center and having been in my house where I had a wall-sized poster of them and the whole southern tip of Manhattan above my bed!

Writing this now, I know that the rebel in me wanted to call out, but I think that my inner “Dan Rather” made me go in that evening, but not to do my usual “party” radio show. Instead, I opened-up the phones to my new Nashville local listeners, to let them air their impressions of the day’s attack. Many were initially sort of clueless, to my disappointment, but as my program grew into the evening, I remember that the discussions became more spirited and that many of my listeners knew that I was from there and expressed their empathy to me, if not for the national implications, for me as someone they only met through the radio who identified with New York City. It was the most solem show I remember in my professional radio career – I hardly played any music and we lived for the top of the hour network updates for five hours that night.

Last night, on the cusp of eighteen years later and trying to go to sleep, I wished I could listen to that show; probably taped it on a cassette which is likely in storage with much of my belongings from those days that I cannot get to it because of my poverty, having chosen that radio career path, which has imploded for me like those beloved towers fell.

In closing, I must remind you to carry the message that we have young people in school now who have no recollection of that treacherous attack. So it is super- important that we teach them the magnitude of that day like the Pearl Harbor surprise attack was for the generation of my parents was.

Since 2016 or thereabouts, we as Americans have lost that unity that came about in the wake of those horrific and cowardly attacks. I close by asking you, my dear reader, to help bring back that sense of togetherness-of-purpose-umbrella, which we all gathered under after September 11, 2001.

[May, 2019 while hassling a relocation]

Growing up through my mid-teens, my main sports heroes were Roberto Clemente, Roger Maris, Muhammad Ali and Joe Namath. The latter were two of the most controversial athletes of my comeuppance – that’s one of the main reasons I admired them! Back then, controversy was not sleazy or tabloid like the “reality tv” gossip is today – often catty. It was the beginning of the end of the “Ossie and Harriet era” (if you don’t know what that means, it is your first “homework” assignment after you finish reading this blog post).

Had you happened into my college dorm room, you would have seen this life-size poster, sans the text, on our wall next to my top bunk.

I wonder where I got it from and where is it now? Probably was a casualty of one of the floods that happened while I had stuff stored at my parent’s house back in the mid-1980s. Sad. Regardless, I discovered pro football on TV around the time that the NY Titans became the New York Jets; Pops was a Giant fan.

Consequentially, I smiled to myself with anticipation when I learned of Joe’s new book that came out in May, “All The Way, My Life In Four Quarters” [Little Brown and Company, May 2019] ! Having read a couple of other biography-style books about Joe “Willie” Namath, mainly penned by sports writers through the years, I was first impressed that he, himself wrote this one with a little help from his friends Sean Mortimer and Don Yaeger.

The backdrop (or “drop back to pass”) is Mr. Namath reviewing Super Bowl III from his present kitchen table as he scrutinizes his life simultaneously. He writes about his traditional Catholic family, Hungarian roots, upbringing in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania and his two main football coaching influences, his high school coach, Larry Bruno and the late Paul “Bear” Bryant of the University of Alabama (“Go TIDE!”,he would say here). While Joe relives the greatest win of his professional football career, he self-analyses his foibles, like drinking too many adult beverages (the Suzy Kolber interview) and how he’s now defeated those foes also. I’m impressed that he tells of still working out regularly on those famous knees, both of which were surgically replaced! Throughout the book he takes you inside the huddle, calling a quarterback sneak (I used to love when he did that!), back when quarterbacks were trusted to call their own plays, and the next moment, he describes events like why he came to wear his trademark white shoes and sport a Fu Manchu mustache for a while.

My favorite quote from the book is by his mother, and was uttered on the heels of one of Namath’s first experiences with racial segregation. The victim of a shopkeeper’s prejudice was his lifelong best friend, Linwood, and his mom explained, “There are some people in this world who are so sad and angry that they find ways (reasons) not to like other people.”

There is a neat little photo album section just about half-way into the tome, which includes his family, sports memories and candid, introspective moments. “First down!”

At 232 pages, “All The Way” is a solid, enjoyable, easy autobiographical read whether you are a Jet fan or not. The only thing missing is an index, so I could quickly refer back to the many highlights of his story (like describing my all-time favorite Jets defensive back, Johnny Sample, who talked smack in competition like Ali did). Joe is aging well, thanks be to St. Jude. I cannot wait to purchase a copy and hopefully have him autograph it for my personal book library. Five-out-of-five footballs is my rating. Way to go, Joe!

Charleston – January 20, 2019 – Wanting to watch the New England Patriots vs Kansas City Chiefs game without the luxury of a television (I cut that cable a decade ago), I researched and dialed-up a group of live streams I could watch from my laptop, and clicked upon one that lead me to a feed of the CBS Sports call from Canada. It was a CTV channel I’d never heard of before, and boy am/was I glad for the experience!

I, who usually hate commercials, found myself loving them on CTV! Their production was so refreshing and real! CTV does not try to avoid “sensitive” realness with sponsors. They even had one with the word “uterus” and “menstruation” mentioned. Another spot for insurance (I think), featured an interracial couple, with a middle-aged, bald black guy and his Caucasian female wife character! You never see that on American/USA television because Madison Avenue is still afraid of the truth and “offending” the rich, angry white men of our current day. It is truly sad that here in 2019, American advertisers still are not bold enough to depict what is increasingly normal – diversity. Maybe if they would show spots like these, people would get used to them as humans often adapt to what, at first, seems revolting.

I’d move to Canada in a heartbeat, except for the climate, in order to enjoy this open-minded media, where a surprising number of familiar American voices and actors are working, I see!

They even had PSAs [Public Service Announcements] like we had when I was a boy, decades ago, here in America! This approach is very necessary, and something I have championed for the past score. PSAs are a great way to caution and educate our youth and those adults who “missed the memo” about common sense living! Take, for example, drinking alcohol: they aired twice during commercial breaks, this amusingly accurate, cartoon spot with two strolling turkeys who cautioned against overdoing it, and reminded us to “drink in moderation”. Maybe their announcements are hip, and will achieve a better result with the populace because their version of the FCC isn’t a political “football” (pun intended).

CTV’s “news-break” during halftime, was local and much less contentious than those on American network channels during a game. In total, it was a refreshing experience to have CTV host my NFL AFC Championship experience instead of the hokey American feed whose commercial breaks have me reaching for the “mute” function every time.

To find video examples of the commercials I’ve written about, you’ll have to use your ever-lovin’ imagination. Yet, Hope you find the CTV stream and enjoy the Super Bowl!Then you’ll see what I mean.

flout
verb [ T ]
“to intentionally disobey a rule or law, or to intentionally avoid behavior that is usual or expected.”

[They think they can flout the law and get away with it.]
[He conducted business in his pajamas to flout convention.]

As we honor Veterans Day, 2018 and The Holidays begin again in earnest, I especially honor those of World War I, World War II, Korea and Vietnam this year. They fought for what the “Father of Our Country” lead his men into war over: Freedom and our Declaration of Independence, which led to our American Constitution.

When I was raised, not so long ago, we were taught that there are three things you do not talk about in polite company: your religion, your salary and who you vote for. If more people followed these traditional tenets instead of flouting them, there would be less contentiousness these days. It is the main reason I mostly refrain from writing about politics here.

I am of the opinion that ever since we noticed it – I say “we” meaning my good buddies and I who used to look out over and settle our world from a high-terraced apartment in the north Bronx – the “GOP” planned to dumb-down a significant portion of our nation, specifically those not in traditional big cities and urban areas, so that they could capture the less-educated, disenfranchised and less questioning gun-owners, often in the wilds, and turn them into supporters of whatever pablum they fed them. It hasn’t worked as well as they hoped.

This toilet paper to his shoe photo typifies FLOUTUS45’s term and character:

Attacking public education and family unity by encouraging single parenting, they almost have achieved this with a trumped-up Oval Office. We who know better can take it back – and we better before we have a DICTATOR on our hands in the “good ole USA”. I won’t dignify him by mentioning his name in my blog, but this fake “President” speaks to flouting all of the norms we have become accustomed to as a nation, including our Constitution, whether you agree with all he says or not, on a daily basis! This needs to end soonest. IMO, he is a third-party candidate that got in because both major parties laid-down and especially the “Donkeys” ran a weak horse in the race who didn’t challenge @FLOUTUS45 when she had opportunities to be a bitch. The “Elephants” were no better; remember Jeb Bush cowering and almost kneeling without a come-back when Casino Man played the dozens on him during a televised debate? It was shameful!

Someone please give FLOUTUS45 some lukewarm milk with a double-shot of his favorite bourbon whiskey – I recommend 114-proof “Old Granddad”, because it befits his style and is concocted in Kentucky, the state of his fellow good old boy Senator – maybe adding some Fruit Loops to it in a bowl, as homage to the many zanie things he “tweets” all the time would be good. Then put him on ice and to bed for a long winter’s nap in a cave somewhere, before he listens more to his closet advisor, Russia’s Putin (who wants our land by any means), and flouts us into World War III.

Where are our collective manners, common sense, etiquette, patience and respect? Not that far away, but we need smart leadership which teaches the masses to embrace “The Golden Rule”. Wake up, “to play a trump on (a card or trick) when another suit was led”! House wins…you LOSE.

Sincerely,

Tired of the Embarrassing Current Foot-in-Tweet Daily Scandal Circus

PickHitt: Ignore the Tweets from @POTUS45/FLOUTUS45 and #unfollow him. No other President has ever spoken to the nation less on TV. I think that we should check Trump’s BIRTH CERTIFICATE! Maybe he was born in Russia! It increasingly looks like a possibility. He should produce the real one!

I have a friend…well, it has been a while since we hung-out, so maybe I should write, “I know a guy…” who I first saw telling jokes during my DJ time-outs at a bar, formerly located in Uniondale, Long Island, called The Dolphins Cove. He grew up in Roosevelt, Long Island, around the block from the only woman lucky enough to marry me right out of college when we both were too young to do so. He used to come over to my ex’s in-laws house to court her younger sister while I was still in the mix. His name is Eddie Murphy, and I just found a movie in which he starred, that was not one of his typically funny ones, called “Mr. Church”, in my local library’s DVD section!

Actually, it was previewed on another movie’s disc; I didn’t even know that he was still working or that it existed! Mr. Murphy used to leave my name at the door when he was performing his stand-up at the hottest New York City comedy clubs (at the time I was a pretty warm local radio DJ).

This is the first movie write-up I have ever penned on this blog I think, and I do it because “Mr. Church” moved me so much! How much? Well lets just say that I sat there like an old lady with a moist handkerchief, constantly dabbing at my teary eyes throughout the film. I guess I forgot about my sentimental side, calloused by many failed love affairs and poverty through the years. Watching it a second time did not deviate from the previous reactions.

Maybe it is because I knew/know Eddie as a comedian, and remember those at the Dolphin’s Cove “booing” when he was trying-out his material and chanting, “Bring back the Dee Jay, Bring back the Dee Jay!” lol OR…somehow I relate to the story-line of a bachelor who likes to cook and does it well, while slightly self-abusing his talents with whatever medicine while fighting past disrespectful persons in his life. We all “grow up” sooner or later in our creativity – as silly as we used to be and I can testify (but I still like to be “silly” and laugh as much as I can- just seems to be fewer people with a sense of humor now) to the metamorphosis! That clarinet theme song doesn’t dispel my melancholy either – it only encourages this movie’s spiteful therapy at me.

Cannot find the name of that clarinet-led theme song during the ending credits, however. Anybody?

I now will return the “Mr.Church” DVD to my local library, so if someone reads this, they can share my experience – or not – and learn more about ourselves. “Mr Church” is emotional dynamite for Mr. Murphy and the cast! As someone who reviews music and other media, I rate this move with four of five sentimental stars.

Major Props, Eddie on your beautiful wife and new family.

“Those without previous governing experience via public election need not apply, nor are eligible”

Its like any other job, if you do not have the experience, you cannot get hired!!

So what happened this last American election should serve as the major reminder to the electorate, Supreme Court of the United States of America and its legislative branches. Here yee, here yee: The most recent past election in 2016 should prove to all USA citizens that unless you have been elected and governed previously, you are unqualified to become elected to the highest office in the land, which is President. There should never again be a choice between “slim” and “none”. One reason that we do not get “great” candidates as in days past is because somehow, those covering them expect them to be “perfect” – and none of us are – getting into their pants! Yes, some transgressions should disqualify prior to Primaries. Last cycle, I am surprised the GOP didn’t dig-up the dirt on the reality TV candidate in order to expose him! I guess they just wanted to “win” at any cost to our national unity, trying to dumb-down the populace along the way.

Even the former Hollywood Actor, Ronald Reagan had been elected and served as the Governor of the great state of California prior to running for President of The United States. Let this be a warning to the “Oprahs” of the world: get some experience and do not be gloated into biting off much more than you can chew due to ego. I met Oprah at a nightclub called Stringfellows in New York City, circa 1990, and she impressed me as a snob. Might be nice to some, however I saw her boy, Steadman following dutifully a few steps behind her as opposed to being by her side as an equal. I was a radio personality in New York City at the time and she ignored me.

Whenever we have all of these “secret memos”, special prosecutors, marital infidelity against The First Lady, investigations into tampering, et al in the first year of a Presidency, impeachment hearings soon follow, as seen during my three score as a lifetime independent thinker.

Unlike any other position, the holder of the highest office in the nation of America, The United States, needs experience, self-control, maturity, coolness, a big-picture vision of the past, present and future peaceful planet in which we share with other nations and move forward in a spirit of help and unity to solve the difficult and unexpected decisions ahead. My ideal President is a war veteran, like my dad was or Colin Powell and Dwight Eisenhower and John F Kennedy, because in order to lead this nation into a war, you must have experienced the tragedy and human cost of it.

Vote for the favorite USA President of your lifetime or yore in the “comments”!

Upon a recent road trip, trying to find a place to chill into ebb (which is not easy these days at these prices), I grabbed a few of my historic, lifetime boxes from out of auspicious storage. One of them contained many magazines – my Playboy collection (!) – and papers, of which the list below was one. It was a print-out of an email sent to me upon the occasion of “Happy and Healthy 2002” on December 31, 2001. The paper is now gnarley at the top where the “from” would be and I tried to search up the email address, to no avail. So if you recognize yourself, please let me know in “comments” and I will qualify you to receive credit here.
Lets we see which of this list of “things to remember” are still relevant today as I transpose them and then I have some other beefs to vent in the second part of this, before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st and we transverse into the year of Our Creation, two-thousand and eighteen.

It begins:

“As we start the New Year…here are some things to remember…”

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

2. Most people will be about has happy as they decide to be.

3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

4. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.

5. When your ship comes in…make sure you are willing to unload it.

6. Life is a journey…not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

7. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

8. I’ve learned that ultimately, ‘takers’ lose and ‘givers’ win.

9. Life’s precious moments don’t have value unless they are shared.

10. If you don’t start, its certain you will not arrive.

11. He or she who laughs…lasts.

12. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

13. Look for opportunities…not guarantees.

14. Success is getting up one more time.

15. Now is the most interesting time of all.

16. When things go wrong…don’t go with them.

I’ll add (17) Voices never change. Not your “opinion”, but our vocal chords, unless afflicted with a malady, remain the song of our speech and communicative instrument, whether you use it for profit or not, throughout our lives, whether you gain weight or lose it. I will always use mine (written and spoken) to go “Isley Brothers” on who and whatever tries to bulls** me or those I care about, be you my few real friends or an acquaintance. (Flip the record over now, for part II).

“It takes two to make a thing go right…(or wrong, lol)” ~ Lyn Collins, 1972

Where did all of this sudden talk of “sexual harassment” come from (again)?
Have we lost again our “moral compass”?

I digress.
So, just when Bill Cosby’s scandal died down, did they have to conspire to come up with more of this? Do you remember Anita Hill’s accusations against Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas? He still got onto the bench!

When we had a collective sense of humor, flirting was flirting and teasing was teasing and (sometimes) pleasing.

“It takes two to tango” is the legendary phrase and I do not like that females save this nonsense for years and and years and then, when a man becomes powerful in the legislature, career or is on the deathbed of his career, they choose to mysteriously reveal a “sexual” transgression of the distant past. To what end? I wish several of them to be discredited as the Gold-diggers that they are very soon! It is ridiculous.

For those of you reading here who are not in the USA, all the news is suddenly about scandal, and not much helpful policy is being enacted among our lawmakers, as we end the year 2017. On the spur of current media moments, all kinds of hidden women come from many years ago, to tarnish the reputation of men in power with accusations of a “sexual misconduct” or “inadequate touch”, “groping” and “sexual harassment”. Where is the Alpha Male backlash?
For me it’s like a troubling fashion trend and mildly amusing. Why, if true at that time, they did not say anything! “Oh, I would not have gotten that role in the movie!” they pine. Bullshit. There would have been another role and another Producer.

Not all are choir boys, mind you, but very cool and influential and successful legislators such as long-time Congressional Representative, John Conyers. Then there is a former comedian, who was elected to Congress as a Senator, Al-Franken, which is a strange and not-to=be-taken-seriously mix; I never think a comedian should run for office these days because they do quirky things for laughs! Even a racist Southerner from Alabama (a very mean and intolerant state here), Ray Moore, faced charges as he currently runs for an upcoming election, since the Hollywood energy broker Harvey Weinstein was outed this past summer of 2017, for past sleazy deals with aspiring actresses. He deserved it, but did his revelation mean that it is now “open season” on all men of consequence? Are there any videos? What is considered “harassment”,specifically? The news reports do not describe it. Was it consensual or mischievous playful courting?

“Who among us has not a skeleton in their closet??”

What about the female’s role in all of this? Have they come to auditions dressed as Nuns? Nyet. In most cases, they are hot, use the low-cut, tease-a-peek at the breasts move with a short skirt and all of the Marilyn Monroe moves they have been taught by the media and their elder role models, in-order to entice the decision-maker. It take two to tango!
I wonder if the legendary NBA basketball great, Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain, who bragged of having bedded “20,000 women” would in this day be accused of “twenty-thousand counts of sexual harassment”? It was unheard of!

We need, as the late Marvin Gaye sang, more “Sexual Healing”, or will we end up with a society without sex?! I think some prudish women want it that way. Maybe they cannot orgasm (“finish” or “come”) and misery loves company. By they way, I heard that most television News Directors are females, these days. Hmmm, what drives these kind of stories better than those in that position?

Even an excellent news person and journalist, Charlie Rose, is the latest casualty of the sudden Puritan hypocrisy here on the eve of Thanksgiving, 2017! Where will it end? Oh, so these women do not want sex?? Will we end-up with a sexless society without male anchors unless they are homosexuals or Eunuchs? The end of flirting; the end of double entendre`; the end of rapping to “get some”… This, it seems to me, is where we are heading and I am glad I am on the other side of sixty to likely not have to observe this destiny. If you like a chick at your job, as a man, now how can you approach her without feeling that, if she doesn’t like you, she can mention the “SH-word” and have you in a world of hurt, just due to natural desire to have a mate? How about off-the-cuff remarks? Oh,C’mon!! We have lost our sense of humor/common sense duet to silly political correctness, while in the Oval Office sits a man who admits to “grabbing some pussy“. Pull-eeze.

As a pick-Hitt punctuation, please now enjoy this blast from my youthful black and white TV days past, on your way out of my theater of the modern absurd reader’s mind. A classic video from when we had a collective sense of humor! Bravo Mr. Dean Martin, lol I love to see a man having fun without being judged, doing his thing. Bring back some of those days, please.

“There are two sides to every story, just as there are two-sides to every coin.”

What is the statute of limitations on these kind of accusations? Is there one? There MUST be some, lest we be doomed to never accomplishing any more of the SO-much-more important business of helping We The People.

Fingers lovingly probe the letters of these keys.
Emotion tries to rescue me.
Where will they take me?
Like a Disc Jockey plays,
A rolling stone full of moss.

It is late, but the songbird of my life called me out of the blue earlier this afternoon,
In the daylight for a change,
We usually talk late at night.
She calls me unexpectedly,
Holla at a brotha excitedly to say she thinks
She was nearby where my mother lives.
Few have permission to go there.

An ongoing thing,
Is this fling;
I stopped it for twenty-five years.
Let the sap descend back to the roots;
Banned and then I forgave her
Upon shockingly returning as a caregiver.

Many a year it seemed,
I was just her chauffeur to parties
Nothing more afterwards.
I was in love with a ride-share client;
She spoke her love for me,
However it was never consummated,
While I could lay many others.

We are still both single,
Early sexagenarians who have not yet exchanged sexual generics.
Would it be worth it now having desired her for so long?
As uncharacteristic as a cold cactus on a desert night,
I still do not trust her to visit and be denied and teased again.

Therefore, and because she lives now in the dark of the Bronx,
Yet I did it to get it over with.
The tolls over the bridges,
Are also somewhat prohibitive nowadays from when it was a quarter.

Lay lady never laid,
Maybe on my new almost brass bed,
If only I could finally get her into it.
Never taking me seriously,
Thinking I was too skinny genetically.
That I can never control.

If now that we are older Baby Boomers,
She would perish before I do,
Would be the saddest day,
Save my own mother’s time before mine.

Her voice is still the same,
Except when she is loud street braggadocios.
Our octaves never change I guess,
Unless health issues do.
Once a songbird to my heart,
Always a special symphony singer into my soul.
She insists “last night a DJ saved my life”.

Thirty years I have known her;
Yet through it all never boned her.
No hook-up from the friend zone.
Nyet benefits – why?
This verse is masturbation alone.

Caring in-truthful conversations,
This time wasn’t our mind blown?
To have loved and to slice like a cherry tree;
Tasted tart fruit distantly from one’s own;
Now I know never there will we have sex;
Not a pie are we,
No French Vanilla-skinned ice cream;
Only a forever fly-by.
She is huge in weight and afraid of the freight.
It will slightly be morose to have lost the chance ,
When one of us soon goes “bye-bye”.
Thanks for the friendship dance.


What if your penis could talk?

Or ladies, your vagina?

I can only speak to it, the penis;
So lets stick to the penis because,
We are full of double entendre now;
I know more about the former anatomy.

Guys, would your penis tell all the tales
Of the tails that you put it through?
What would it say?
Would it stick it to you?
Would it betray your manhood?

If your “wood” could gentleman,
Would it say why it stiffens in the middle of the night,
When nature calls?
And of its relationship to your balls?
The so-called, “family jewels”.
Or how COME it acts UP,
Without a female nearby?

If your penis could talk,
Would it explain those teenage wet dreams?
Or would it allow for a better elderly stream?
Suppose your dick could dictate?

If your dick could think quick,
Would he chronicle all the lays you gave him?
The tunnels of love you made him enter?
No toll necessary but the pleasure of the flesh..
Would he be like “Dick Tracy”,
Investigating the vagina chronicles?

If your penis could talk, when hard;
Would he allow you to walk the walk?
What would the “wood” say about Viagra or cocaine?
Would he want to go “See Alice”?

If Your Penis could talk,
He would likely laugh at erecting “over four hours damage”
Come-on, he can last much longer!
If the woman is sexy and fine!

If your Magic Johnson could speak,
He would be concerned about Lorena Bobbit!
Are they even still together?
Yes, unfortunately and likely in some trailer park,
Chopping meat.

If you named him “Jack Meoff”,
Would your penis explain how you are now a private “southpaw”?
Or all of the times it gave you a hard time for no reason?
Like when you have no companion next to you in the bed?

What would your penis say if it could talk from its tiny mouth?
Would he remember and reveal if you ever contracted an STD?
Or if you enjoy masturbation too much?
Would it brag as a slender, thick or a curved dick?

As you can see, this debate has many angles.
Including the calculation of the dangle;
From forty-five to a sturdy ninety silk degrees;
A silent partner in a three-way love affair,
Who you want to treat right,
Not just beat it.

Couldn’t help the analogy, lol!

Send your opinions! Thank you for reading my poetry.