I’ve been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Let’s examine that expression first…Historically, I seem to remember that sometime in Europe’s middle ages, men would pin the name of their lovers or the object of their desire on their sleeves.  That line was also delivered by the character Iago in act I, scene I of the Shakespearean tragedy, Othello, “But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve/For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.”   I think it means I am a sensitive, emotional man, with  feelings  more “visible” rather than hidden, unlike most people who pretend to be unphased by the meanness of others or unwanted negativity that happens to me. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, in fact IMHO it is healthier to let stuff out than hold it in and eventually have a heart attack or blow like the volcano, and if I may attempt an Shakepeare-style  line here, “if I be not allowed to display my love upon my “sleeve” then where should I wear it?”

However, it can be tried to be used against a person by the dimwitted I guess.  Maybe my former girlfriend was sometimes dim-witted – it is as good as any explanation she’s given me for breaking-up with me suddenly last June because she stil has given me NONE.  Yes, with Valentine’s Day approaching, I’m back on  that  again.  Please indulge me my dear reader, this was the first lady to ever surprise me with a choice of one out of two ensembles to wear that she had selected for me to try on in the days just before Valentine’s Day.  I wasn’t even sure that she celebrated such a “Hallmark Holiday” going by our progressive, anti establishment and commercialization of our lives conversations.  I guess all women secretly have that romantic bone in their hearts in spite of protestations to the contrary; I was SO over Valentines’ until we met.  Why would a woman go to the trouble of picking out an outfit for her man and then jilt him suddenly four months later, giving him no reason?  This is what happened to me.  That’s right, “the Girl From Transylvania” hooked the kid up with a sharp outfit that included a tie and vest!  What did I get her for Val’s Day last year?  Well I fulfilled her sudden request to wear her hair in dreadlocks like I do, and paid for her to go to my “hair girl” and get her hair styled thusly!  It looked SO cute too…but we didn’t calculate the difference in hair texture and locking agent required, so it didn’t stay – but it looked sweet!  This post is dedicated to all of the women who I have met since I was jilted and who, sensing that there was another woman lurking in my consciousness, probed until I unburdened myself to them about “the Girl…”, and who tried to make sense of it from a female perspective only to give up basically saying, “Boy she really did a number on You!” or something similar.  It is also dedicated to my few long-time male friends who have counseled me to basically “forget her it was not worth it. The only thing she did was waste your time. Time is very precious to us all since we are all here for just a twink of eye. Just think of what you could have productively doing with your time if she was not in your life. Next time you meet someone, try to size them up immediately and find out what she is all about before committing your resources including time…” as Leo back in south Jersey recently summed it up.  I’m just not as “cool” as I used to be – losing that Playboy edge, I guess. <grins>

So: What kind of a woman goes out of their way to make you love them with gestures like taking you on a food stamp shopping spree on THEIR Food Stamps account without my asking her to after she found out that I had a particularly bad financial day?  Cooking and sharing copious dishes with you including Thanksgiving and Christmas; lets you bond with her two sons( from two different guys by the way), her younger sister and sister’s boyfriend, all who live with her in her nice multi-roomed house; takes you to integrate your Americaness with her “Belarusian” culture at a party; gives you a TV, an extra blanket to keep warm, and a really nice radiator room heater to make your space more cozy; makes a big deal out of our one year anniversary; treats me to a fabulously classy birthday dinner at an upscale restaurant; lets you finally give her a total body massage, while she has a degree in Massage Therapy; seeks out my hair stylist so that SHE can have dread locks hair style like I do -and I gladly pay for it for Valentines day;  creates a  framed wall picture collage of some of my recipes from my cookbook (that she in a fun way “stole” from it unbeknownst to me) with  some sayings like “you are so special to me” and a little haunting picture of her in the lower left-hand corner and a set of fine wine glasses for my birthday?   

What kind of lady parties with me unconditionally, was a great touch-dance partner whenever we went out, and even drank harder stuff than the wine I sip because of her culture (I guess); never says “no” to a date request; never has an argument or heated words with me? (the closet to an argument was a debate about cooking rice !)  I never cheated on her and actually brought my bachelor self closer to her lifestyle and sacrificed my man shit like sports and even showed empathy when she told me that she saw a “therapist” weekly (but never told me exactly “why” – I figured because of past husband abuse issues), showed understanding when she told me twice that she didn’t want to get close to me because of “panic attacks” [prior to our ever being intimate and we didn’t do THAT for about five months after we met], who then suddenly dumps me COLD  and without explanation forevermore?  Who apparently enjoys a romantic weekend to celebrate our one-year anniversary, finally leaves her new toothbrush and stuff in my bathroom (we know how chicks like to mark their territory like that), and then two weeks later tells me the “magic is gone”?

Even after the initial “dump” she would call me to rescue her late at night at a bar we used to hang at, enjoying conversation and adult libations once when she had ingested too much “Vhischey” (I loved her voice and Belarusian accent; the way she said the word “Hilarious!” was one of a kind).  Another time, after the fact asking me yet again to help her with her English homework and an appeal on her grade to her on-line English instructor!  Am I yet again this stoopid and naïve?  Yet again do I have reason to cease to exist because I am “too nice”?  I wasn’t always “too nice”!!  I tried to hang on and hoped she would drift back within my gravitational pull, unsuccessfully as she became even colder after telling me she “missed” me and agreeing to “reunite” within a month. And there is probably more great stuff she did that I am not remembering right now like the “ohh!”, so romantic way she admired my hands, of all things; how she’d examine them and hold them tightly when we went to the movies – I never go to the movies – and much other good stuff. In the early Autumn of 2009,  she kinda flirted with a friend of mine right in front of my face in his office!  He is married and we’d hung-out together at his house several times.  She did this in order to cut me out of future dealings between the three of us and get the perks of free tickets I had gotten for “us” because of the brotherhood my friend and I shared, I bet.  No shame to her game? Maybe just a little mean streak which makes me wonder how she can raise two “boys” who will  become “men” when she seems to have a contempt for the male species on some level.  As a group I grew up listening to/playing on radio, The Sylvers, sang, ‘I Wish That I Could Talk To You Baby…”

I suppose I shall revert back to being a “playboy” who goes for the “hit-and-run” affair , since a lasting “relationship” with a woman apparently is not in the “cards” for me as I hit my late-fifties stride. Naw, that won’t work! I think the self-service castration the better route.  Then, the subsequent back-up of blood to my other head will cause it to explode in a rush of misery-ending euphoria!

So, WHAT KIND of woman is this who just dumped me like yesterday’s vagabond?????  She asked me for, and I granted her a little “time alone with [herself] in order to think”, then perchance after three weeks of total cut-off, we fatefully ran into each other at a coffee shop where I was having a business meeting.  I told her I’d call her when I got the chance in a few days, and when I did, I joked, “Hey you’ve got to stop stalking me like that at the coffee shop…”  She said she was busy and to call her the next day.  When I did so, feeling upbeat I got her voice mail.

Her reply some hours later was this TEXT message: “…, I don’t want to hurt yr feelings but I’m not interesting in any relationships with you, even friendship as you call it.  So, do me a favor, stop calling, texting and writing me.”    Just like that, and when I asked “why”, I got no response. It wasn’t like I was stalking her ass or something; that is not my personality.  Please help me to understand this, because I am a good man and treated her with respect, love, passion, dignity and everything else possible in my intelligent-yet-caring arsenal.  WHAT…a colossal waste of both our times and supposed loving energies.  Part of me wishes I’d never even MET she who at this time last year, I thought was my new best female friend – outside of my Mother that is. I guess what I muse is how could a woman, on one hand, be the best I’ve ever dated and the worst heart-breaker on the other hand?  [Editor’s note: that friend she flirted with suddenly died at only 45 years of age, seven months later]

1. “Valentine Love” – Norman Connors; 2. “If My Lonely Heart Could Speak” – The Manhattans; 3. “Girls Ain’t Nothing But Trouble” – DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince; 4.”If My Heart Could Sing” – Marvin Gaye; 5.”I’ll Never Fall In Love Again” – written by Burt Bacharach/Hal David, sung by various artists including Dionne Warwick (probably the most famous version) and the late Isaac Hayes; 6. “I’ll Be Around (When He’s Gone)” – Marvin Gaye; 7. “Don’t Hold Back Your Love (Parts I & II)” – The Isley Brothers; 8. “There’s No Me Without You” – The Manhattans; 9. “Love TKO” – Teddy Pendergrass; 10. “Sad Sweet Dreamer” – Sweet Sensation; 11. “Love On A Two-Way Street” – The Moments; 12. “Break Your Promise” – The Delfonics; 13.”My Funny Valentine” – Rodgers & Hart; 14. “Goin’ Out Of My Head” – Little Anthony & The Imperials; 15. “I’m Out Of Your Life” – Arnie’s Love; 16. “Love Is A Hurting Thing” – Lou Rawls.

pickhitt: I’m only looking for closure, I guess – a REASON.

updatge 2/2011: time heals all wounds; Jah sent me someone MUCH better.

“There are many things that I’d like to tell you,

Like how I’ll never, ever forget you

If my heart, my heart could only sing, sing, sing.

-M.Gaye

Answer: “Self-deliverance” is always an option.

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